Many of us parents ponder the question... what makes a marriage work? Is Love enough? Is it money? Emotional support? I can sit here and list a number of questions that many of us ask ourselves... The bottom line.. Marriage takes Hard Work! There are several things that come into play when talking about marriage, and not just a marriage in itself but any long term relationship for that matter. Lets face the facts, in this day and age, not everyone feels the need or obligation to get married anymore right? It sure would be nice if we could just stay in that newlywed stage forever right? Now don't get me wrong.. I'm not saying there aren't people out there who have that "forever newlywed, head over heels, happily ever after, devoted to each other, always and forever" type of marriage, I'm sure there are, however, the majority of the population has a "working marriage". These working marriages run the population. These working marriages can be for many reasons.. maybe they are high school sweethearts who never broke up, maybe it's a couple who had kids together so now they feel stuck (which, in my opinion, you are never ever stuck by the way but we'll save that conversation for another day) or maybe it's someone who doesn't believe in divorce so they stay and stick it out, it could even be because someone is in a relationship and they're too scared to leave, that's common, for many reasons.. they could be scared to leave to do abuse or being in a extremely toxic relationship, they could have low self esteem and thing they just cannot make it out there alone, or as a single parent with one income if kids are involved. There can be a vast amount of reasons.
When thinking about the most common issues in a "working marriage" the main issue couples seem to have is... can you guess? Finances. This is the main reason why couples, even the ones who are deeply in love tend to fight or have disagreements which a lot of the time lead to divorce. Well, I am here to help! For starters, just like other things in life marriage should start with a good foundation, and I'm not talking materialistically or financially, (don't get me wrong, if you're able to have their things, a home, financial stability, a car, no kids...before marriage or commitment to someone than more power to you) but again, this is not the majority of the population. So when I say a good foundation I mean spiritually (not religiously because not everyone these days is religious) but spiritually between you and your partner, husband, boyfriend, significant other, however you refer to them. It all starts with attraction right? Evaluate. Yes, you should be a team but you should be more than just a good team; it's more than working well together. Ask yourselves how many times a week are you sexually intimate with one another? This not only is a big stress reliever but it is vital in any relationship. It's healthy for your relationship.
Here are some tips for when these issues and arguments start to arise. Lets go back to the beginning. Attraction.
Both of you sit down together in a comfortable, quiet area. One person at a time name off the first three things that come to mind when you think about what initially attracted you to your significant other. Now, think about that. Are those same initial attractions still valid today? What's different? On a piece of paper or in a notebook, without saying anything, write down what you feel is different and what three things attract you to your significant other now.
Next, I want you both, on a separate sheet of paper, to write down five things that bother you or nag you about your partner (pet peeves, dislikes, bad habits, whatever..). Five things you don't like that they do or would like them to change. Keep this paper to yourself for now. Now, towards the bottom of this same sheet of paper I want you to each write five things you would like your significant other to do that they don't already do. Again, you are just writing, we are not saying any of this portion out loud.
Next, sit in front of one another, hold hands and look into each others eyes deeply for 10 seconds, now, in one word, one at a time, tell the other person how you feel. Do not elaborate, do not explain, just in one word say how you feel. I encourage you to do this up to five times. When you're done take a deep breathe, in and out slowly and then give each other an embracing hug and kiss. Affection is key to a successful relationship. You BOTH have to feel loved and respected.
Finally, give each other that list you made from step 2 and keep it, do not talk about it, just read it and keep it with you. Everyday look at this list and try to do something your significant other wrote on that list that they'd like you to do AND try Not to do at least one of the things on that list that they said they didn't like. Baby steps.
Physical Intimacy, Communication, Trust, Honesty, Love, Respect, Consistency and Affection are all key to a successful relationship and/or marriage. We will touch on these subjects more in depth in future bloggings but each persons relationship is different and each couple will have a different balance of all of these that works for them. Their own unique combination. You have to be a Team! You have to Love and know what you have is worth it. What you have is worth fighting for. If you know this deep in your heart then you have a chance! You are enough, and Love is the beginning and the end. I hope this was helpful to at least one person out there and if not then I hope it served as inspiration and encouragement; I hope someone was able to take at least one good thing away from this.
*remember, I am just Janelle. I am not a professional or licensed in anyway. I am a person and a human who wants to help encourage and empower others. I am here for support. Everything Happens For A Reason.
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